Driving DiNozzo
by ytteb
Summary: Gibbs takes DiNozzo and McGee on one of his short cuts. He may live to regret it. More silliness.


Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs strode forcefully into the squad room at NCIS. His hands were empty of their customary coffee cup but his face wore its customary scowl. Special Agents Tony DiNozzo and Tim McGee trailed wearily in their Boss's wake. Dr Mallard happened, as he so often did, to be passing; one glance at the slightly green tinge to Tony's and Tim's complexions was enough for him to work out what had happened.

"Did Jethro take a short cut, gentlemen?" he asked cheerily.

"Not sure it's a short cut when you spend so much time soaring into the air and then crashing to the ground," groaned Tony as he flung himself into his chair.

"And it's been scientifically proved that driving round so many bends is actually longer than driving on straight roads," said Tim as he tottered on wobbly legs to his desk and lowered himself down carefully.

"But it was a beautiful day for taking the 'scenic' route," said Ducky optimistically. The two younger agents looked at him in disbelief but seemed to lack the energy for any reply. Ducky turned to Gibbs instead, "why the hurry, Jethro?"

"Needed to get back," said Gibbs, "there was nothing at the crime scene to help."

"And we know that," said Tony with a touch of bitterness, "because McGee and I spent three hours trawling through the dumpsters and trash cans at the trailer park."

"In 30 degree heat," gasped Tim.

"And then …" began Tony.

"Hey!" bellowed Gibbs, "I don't see much work being done here."

Tim and Tony reluctantly switched their computers on while glaring in a half-hearted way at Gibbs. Ducky approached Gibbs and said quietly,

"I take it you haven't made your dentist's appointment yet, Jethro?"

"No," mumbled Gibbs, "it'll keep."

"As you wish," said Ducky, "but I would recommend avoiding Abby. She will no doubt give you a lecture on the follies of failing to name each of your teeth." Ducky, who seemed to be in a good mood, walked to the elevator still smiling at the unlikely picture of Gibbs having names for his molars.

Gibbs momentarily rested his aching jaw on one hand and suppressed a groan but he was then distracted by the sight and sound of Tony answering his desk phone. Tony had seemed to shrug off his weariness when he saw the caller ID and sounded obnoxiously cheerful as he switched his charm on.

"Your favourite very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo here. How can I help you? Oh. Really? When? Where?"

"DiNozzo!" snapped Gibbs, "make your dates in your own time!"

"But, Boss," said Tony hastily, "it's Mimi." Gibbs' glare was the only response so Tony hurried on, "Mimi. She's leaving."

"Do I look as if I care, DiNozzo?"

"But, Boss … it's important," said Tony.

"What's important," thundered Gibbs, "is that you do your job!"

"She wants to know …"

"I don't care what she wants to know," said Gibbs impatiently. He marched over to Tony's desk, snatched the phone and said, "He's busy!" and then slammed the receiver down.

"Boss?" said Tony in a stunned voice, "I just needed to …"

"Do your job," said Gibbs fiercely, "that's all you need to do."

A strange expression flitted across Tony's face and Gibbs almost took a step back in alarm but as quickly as it had arrived the strange look disappeared and Tony said calmly, "understood, Boss. Getting on with my work."

Gibbs went back to his desk feeling a little unnerved. Tony bestowed one of his widest smiles on McGee and Gibbs and then bent his head to his work.

A couple of hours' diligent work provided a break in the case. Tim and Tony's pallor had disappeared. Two Advil taken in the men's room had banished Gibbs' toothache and normality seemed to have returned to the squad room. Gibbs went to get coffee and Tim and Tony relaxed. Two pings sounded from Tony's computer indicating two emails had arrived; he smiled as he read them. One smile was reminiscent of the look that had crossed his face earlier and the other was of unadulterated joy.

"Hey," he said happily, "got a ticket to the Alfred Hitchcock retrospective this weekend."

"What?" asked Tim.

"Twenty hours of movies and discussions," said Tony contentedly, "what else could a man want?"

"Are you insane?" asked Tim.

"Just because you'd rather spend twenty hours elf lording," said Tony in an offended tone, "doesn't mean that I'm mad."

"No, no," said Tim, "I mean, we're on call this weekend. Do you really think Gibbs will leave us alone? Especially in the mood he's in?"

"Ah," said Tony pensively, "I have a feeling it'll be OK."

"What do you know?" asked Tim suspiciously.

"Me?" said Tony in an annoyingly superior voice, "me? I know nothing. I'm just doing my job. As directed."

Gibbs stormed back into the squad room. The hot coffee had inflamed his tooth once more.

"DiNozzo! As you don't seem to have anything to do, look at this email that the Director has just sent me. Deal with it."

"On it, Boss," said Tony as he looked at the email Gibbs forwarded him. He smiled a slightly feral smile. Tim shivered.

NCISNCIS

Tony was already at his desk when McGee arrived the next morning.

"McMIT," said Tony, "your degree. What was it about?"

Tim hadn't slept well that night. His dreams had been filled with pictures of Gibbs driving them off a cliff as he laughed maniacally so he wasn't in the mood to give Tony an opening for a teasing marathon.

"It's complicated, Tony," he said in as kind and patient a voice as he could manage, "you wouldn't understand."

"I don't want to _understand_ ," said Tony in a tone which suggested that understanding Tim's academic qualifications would somehow be degrading for a DiNozzo, "I just …"

"I haven't got time to explain," said Tim, "some other time."

"OK," said Tony, "I'll just go with what I've got."

Tim was about to ask him what he meant when he was interrupted by Gibbs' arrival.

"Um," said Gibbs with uncharacteristic hesitation, "we're not on call this weekend."

"Boss?" said Tim.

"You heard me, McGee," said Gibbs.

Tim turned to look at Tony just in time to see a smug look disappearing from his face.

"You got plans, Boss?" asked Tony innocently.

Gibbs looked at him suspiciously but didn't reply directly.

"McGee!"

"Yes, Boss?"

"Go see Abby."

"Uh, yes, Boss. Er, what for?"

"You don't usually need a reason," pointed out Gibbs.

"Uh. Ah. Yes, on my way," said McGee as he belatedly realised he was being got rid of.

Tony gave him another of those annoyingly cheerful smiles as he walked to the elevator. Gibbs waited until he was sure that Tim had gone and then walked over to Tony's desk. He put a cup of coffee on Tony's desk.

"Uh," he said.

"Yes, Boss," said Tony gazing at Gibbs.

"That phone call yesterday?"

"Which one?" asked Tony, "I got a lot of calls yesterday."

Gibbs held on to his patience. "From Mimi."

"Ah," said Tony, taking a sip of his perfect coffee, "that call."

"Yes," said Gibbs.

"Mimi from the Department of Motor Vehicles," said Tony.

"Yes."

"She's transferring," said Tony.

"Yes."

"She called to let me know."

"Yes."

"Is that a problem?" asked Tony with continued innocence.

"You know it is," snapped Gibbs.

"Ah," said Tony taking another sip of his coffee, "she mentioned something about a problem."

"Yes."

"With points on your driver's license."

"Yes," said Gibbs through gritted teeth.

"Something about not wearing a seatbelt."

"Yes."

"And going above the speed limit."

"Yes."

"Several times, I think," said Tony thoughtfully.

"Yes."

"Oh, and using a cell phone while driving."

"Yes."

"No, wait," said Tony, "that one was OK. They'd checked that one before."

"Yes," said Gibbs.

"Because Mimi phoned last week and I told her that it probably happened when you were working. That you had dispensation because you were performing your duties as a law enforcement officer."

"Yes."

"But I didn't have time to tell her that yesterday when she phoned to check about the other violations."

"No," agreed Gibbs.

"Because you cut me off," said Tony.

"Yes," said Gibbs.

"And told me to do my job."

"Yes."

"So I guess you've have had a notice to attend a Defensive Driving Course this weekend?" said Tony.

"Yes."

"So that some points can be removed from your license?"

"Yes."

"So that your license isn't suspended?"

"Yes."

"Mimi told me her replacement's name," said Tony.

"Yes?" said Gibbs hopefully.

"She asked if I wanted her to ask him to do the same as she has for the last ten years."

"Yes?"

"You know, check with me before issuing a suspension notice. In case the points don't count because you were working."

"Yes," said Gibbs in a confirmatory tone.

"But I didn't get a chance to say yes," said Tony mournfully.

"No?" said Gibbs.

"No. Because you cut me off," said Tony.

"Oh," said Gibbs.

"But, like I said, I've got his name."

"Oh," said Gibbs in a more cheerful voice.

"Do you want me to phone him?" asked Tony.

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Please," said Gibbs.

"Of course," said Tony, "thanks for the coffee, Boss."

"Humph," said Gibbs walking back to his desk.

"And the weekend off," said Tony quietly as he picked up the phone to call Mimi's replacement to make arrangements. 'Unfortunately' it was too late to prevent Gibbs having to attend the weekend course.

A few minutes later Gibbs said, "How you getting on with that email from the Director?"

"Nearly finished, Boss," said Tony, "Director wants to make sure all our training is up to date."

"And is it?" asked Gibbs.

"Mine is," said Tony virtuously, "but there are some gaps in McGee's."

"What hasn't he done?" asked Gibbs in surprise.

" _Smartphone Forensics and Cellular Technology_."

"Oh," said Gibbs.

" _Applied Computer Forensics_ ," continued Tony.

"Oh," said Gibbs a bit blankly.

" _Mobile technology in Exigent Circumstances_."

"Hmm."

" _PowerPoint for Public Safety_ … and another fifteen or so computery courses," said Tony.

"Doesn't McGee already know all this stuff?" said Gibbs.

"I asked him about his degrees," said Tony, "you know, to try and work out which he might be exempt from. But he said it was too complicated and he didn't have time to explain. So I thought, to be on the safe side, I'd better put him on all of them."

"How long will they all take?" asked Gibbs.

"Two and a half weeks," said Tony.

"Ah," said Gibbs.

"Although, of course, they're not all in DC. So we'll have to factor in travelling time."

"Well," said Gibbs, "I'm not sure …"

"The Director seems keen on us having done all the required training," pointed out Tony.

"Well," repeated Gibbs.

"And I haven't started looking at your record yet," said Tony thoughtfully, "there are some really good courses that you might like. That the Director might approve of."

"Yes?" said Gibbs cautiously.

" _News Media Relations and On-camera Training_ ," offered Tony.

"Ah."

"Or there's _Verbal Excellence – Leading, Persuading and Defusing_ ," suggested Tony.

Gibbs suppressed a shudder, "Well, if the Director is so keen," He wavered, "but it would be a long time to be down a man."

McGee chose that moment to return.

"Boss," he said eagerly, "I wanted to tell you."

"What, McGee?" said Gibbs.

It was unfortunate that McGee didn't realise how much of his future depended on his reply.

"I've worked out how Petty Officer Sinclair was swindling the Navy. I created a matrix, added a subset of transactions, linked it with cellular activity …"

"I've sent you our training requirements, Boss," said Tony. "You just need to forward it to the Director for approval."

"Well," said Gibbs, still hesitating.

"And then cross referenced it with data from the hard drive and … "continued McGee happily.

Suddenly weeks without McGee seemed rather attractive and Gibbs forwarded the email to the Director.

"McGee!" said Gibbs.

McGee trailed to a halt, "Boss? Don't you want to know how I worked it out?"

"Your training record isn't up to date," said Gibbs.

"Boss?" said McGee.

Tony took another sip of coffee. He waited, it was almost like a lion eyeing his prey.

"Director wants everyone fully trained," continued Gibbs.

"Yes?" said McGee cautiously.

"You have some gaps," said Gibbs.

"Gaps?"

"So we're sending you on some training courses."

"Legal frameworks?" asked McGee hopefully, "management skills?"

Gibbs' eyes narrowed as he considered Tim's ambitions, "No," he said, "computer courses."

"But, Boss. I don't need to do them," said McGee, "it would be a waste of time. Really."

Gibbs began to hesitate again. McGee sensed an advantage, "and you hate waste, don't you?"

"Well," said Gibbs.

Unfortunately McGee made a strategic error. He chuckled, "now if it was _you_ going on the courses …"

Gibbs gritted his teeth in annoyance and regretted it immediately as his tooth made its displeasure known.

"Boss," said Tony, "the email's been rejected. You must have got the address wrong."

McGee sighed with relief, "you'll be able to change it then, Boss. Shall I show you how? It's simple really." He smiled in what he hoped was a winning way.

"No need, Tim," said Gibbs, "and I _will_ change it."

"Good," said Tim, "I knew you'd see sense."

Gibbs clenched his teeth but more cautiously this time, "Yes," he said, "there's another course which I think you'll enjoy."

"Boss?" said Tim with a touch of unease.

"Yes," said Gibbs, " _Agent Afloat Initial Training._ "

"Boss?" said McGee beginning to panic.

"Yes," said Gibbs, "and this one is particularly good. It's on board an aircraft carrier in the Arctic Ocean. Now, all I need to do is figure out how to make the changes."

"Er, Boss?" said McGee.

"McGee?"

"It'll be real complicated to make the change. Why don't you just send it back as it is?"

"You think?" said Gibbs.

"Yes, Boss," said McGee as he admitted defeat.

Tony smiled. That feral smile again.

NCISNCIS

News soon reached Autopsy about Gibbs having to attend a Defensive Driving Course and McGee having to go on weeks of computer courses.

"Let this be a lesson to you, Mr Palmer," said Ducky as he poured them cups of tea.

"Doctor?" said Jimmy, getting ready to make notes.

"Never get on Anthony's wrong side."

"Doctor?"

"Indeed. A DiNozzo revenge is never pretty. I remember the time …

* * *

 _AN: most of these courses are 'real' although I invented the Agent Afloat one._

 _I just thought that the Gibbs driver's license must be permanently on the brink of being revoked and liked the idea of Tony working behind the scenes to smooth it all over._

 _The characters aren't mine and they're safely back in their boxes._


End file.
